Song: S.E.X by lyfe Jennings

Wow. . . it has been a long time since i decided to blog. I just haven't had the time to blog i guess. Im trying to get a scholarship into university, so my mind has been pretty occupied. Especially with all the bullshit Ive been going through. This month has been a struggle for me. A struggle for my inner self, morals, heart, family, and life in general and i haven't been handling it in the right way.

It seems as if the only way i can deal with my stress is my smoking habit that i recently brought back into my life. I know its the easy way out, when nothing else seems to be coming to you easy lately and something is offered that is easy, taking it makes you feel good for once. Especially when you set such high goals in your life. Once those high goals are accomplished, you feel as if its not good enough. Then to make yourself aggravated, almost as its your daily routine, you put everything down in your life that could be looked at as evangelic and beautiful. No one is perfect, thus jealousy is always going to be present within most people, but in the end, jealousy woes. And once the jealousy woes, it hurts deep down because you cant always recognize other peoples problems as jealousy, but moreover one judges thyself as not good enough for society before thy think of jealousy.

Every night i cry. Not only for my ex at times, but i cry for something invisible. Though my goals are being accomplished, my goals seem to be looked at as simple tasks that i shouldn't receive satisfaction from accomplishing. Even though i have a lot going for me in my life, there is still a void. I cant seem to understand what I'm missing. Its an inanimate object, and i cannot figure out what it is. I'm crying over an invisible part in my morals, and something that may just be a figure of my imagination. All in all, i am who i am. and i struggle to accept the going things in me. Maybe because realistically, everyone looks at the good and the bad differently. My standards seem to be different from the social norm... And people who believe in monism don't even believe in evil in the first place. Is suffering not considered to be connected to evil or is suffering man made thus created in the mind? In the end, i think im just losing my balance.

Finishing song: Georgia Nights by Dolla (RIP)

Labels: fuck it

Song listening to: Too hard to get over by Lloyd

Well i havent blogged this whole summer. Thats a damn shaime since i had the LIVEST summer. anyways im not even gonna bother to recap my last months. waaaaaaaaay to much. so lets just start off with today... So i finally cut a couple of lose ends from ym life. At leats temporarily. I dont like fakes. I only fuck with the realest. And ifyou dont come correct, the dont come at all.

ANyways so im thinking alot about my ex this past while. and its driving me insaine because i keep running into him. But i can neevr talk to him cuz hes too pussy to do so, since hes always with his baby momma. i was going to see him and his friend this weekend, but A and R flopped and i rather not see him alone. So ill just wait till next weekend when our firend J's jam is. Hopefully that merked bitch wont reach with him. so i can talk to him en shit. but w.e
i cant believe im admitting to these feelings since ive been burying them for a while. But hes the only one ive ever carred about so much. Anything i see, anywhere i go reminds me of him. When i have time to think about anything, my brain some hwo leads to him. I feel breathless, speachless, and actually numb sometimes. and its not even an exaggeration. And it hurts even more just to kno that he ment everything he ever said to me. and if he didnt have a baby momma, you neevr kno where we would of ended up. But everything ahppens for a reason right. i may be sprung styll... but i think its somewhat to do with the forbidden fruit... u want what u dont have... im feelin some next guys a lil bit anyways. so its a softer issue, but at the same time its not.

these guys are ones im kinda feelin and have a chocie of making or trying to make one my next ting. cuz they like me, well matthew might just be trying to get in my pants. but hes fuckin hilrious. so w.eeee lol
choices (wow if anyone sees this shit im exposed) LOL

-Manny
-Matthew
-Shaine
-Daniel
wow i really shouldnt b putting real names up

and then theirs the choices of guys i dont talk to on the regs.. but whose really trynna make a big list of exposing mans LMAOO...


Finishing song: Tie me down by New Boyz

Labels: boys, LOL, side tings, the truth

No music this time... its too late to be listening to music...

Just came back from Falstaff and Jane. I have been chillen with my exes friends a lot lately. FUN
: D especially since i see them more then he does bhuahahah some of them are sexy. like damn. Well i decided not to see them for one week, to give them a rest... Make them miss us.

Anyways

When something is always on your mind, how do u know when will it leave or if it will ever leave. Obviously when you solve the issue, accomplish the goal, or fix the situation, it will leave or at leats it should. What ever it is, until you do something about it, its going to always be on your mind. What if that thing on your mind is being debated because you don't know what people will think of you when you follow through with this action. Or you don't know if you will regret it in the long run. So how do i know if i should act on my impulse or thoughts hoping that the one thing one my mind will go away, if in the end, that might bring more thoughts upon my mind. Though getting rid of the old ones. This one decision that's always on your mind could benefit you, but yet drag you down in the long run. I never lie, literally never. Its not my thing. But this one thing that's always on my mind is what i lie to people about. Simply saying Yes, or No... Depending on the crowd, mood, area, i switch the answer... and yet mostly i say no. Why? This is what makes me think, shouldn't i just follow through with what im lieing to everyone about, so that i know im real, real as ever. To listen to your heart, pleasure, feelings, emotions, or people... What to do.............................?

Labels: issue

Last night i went to my cousins girlfriends Bachlorette Party which was soooooo fun. At first i wasnt into it because we learned the thriller dance and went to this expensive restaurant called Ten. But once we went back to K's house to party. Not only did i brake my 5 months being alcohol free, but my hang over was killer. Well i dont call it a hang over because i only had one symptom, not all, which was puking . Ive only puked twice from drinking... I USE TO BE SOULJA. thats what happens when i take a long brake. Though i did out drink everyone and i was told the next morning that i am a SOULJA. so ya i feel gassed. anyways last night we also had a PASSION PARTY!

PASSION PARTY:

A Passion Party consists of a product host and a bunch of women getting together to learn about products of the sexual nature such as lubricants, Dildo's , edible lotions, bath soaps and so on. It was so interesting! I learned so much and i ended up buying this thing called FIREWORKS! Its warming EDIBLE body lubricant. strawberry ! Some of thew things i was shown last night I've never heard of any wear. Hear is some interesting things ! 1) Lipstick Vibe: "Pack this lipstick-disguised vibrator in your purse and nobody knows your secret. Multi speed. Waterproof. $21.50 " im too lazy to get pics for the rest of the shit imma talk about. tonight is a very relaxing night for me. ANYWAYS there is this product called tasty tease which numbs your gag reflex. So when you deep throat you can handle it... if your into the whole "head" thing. As well there is a product called fireworks... which i happened to buy... Its edible warming body oil. yes it works. it gets WARM, but when u breath on it, it gets hot. I really like it. And it tastes good enough. The creamsicle edible body lotion tastes waaaaaay better. I could eat that by the tube. Well theres wayyyy more stuff. Go www.Passionparties.ca for more info. Its a fun experience too learn all about this stuff, whether you use it or not. HAVE FUNN

Labels: dildo, sex party

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG how am i arguing with my mother over a fucking cake. I am making a cake for some ones birthday,and she is making a big deal out of it. Why don't you just get hin beer instead. OMG what thought is there if i buy some one beer. LORDDDY First she was gonna get her friend to buy me a cake. That didn't happen. So my brother cane through with some money, so im saved now. Then my mother is saying we should make one form scratch... I RATHER BUY THE BOX that way i know it will turn out decent. We are wasting so much time. We woke up at 12:30 and she has been talking shit and trying to find the cheapest way to do this. JUST GO TO Metro and buy my cake mix. Then she said we can make one from scratch and if it turns out bad,then buy a cake mix. WHO HAS THIS TIME TO WASTE SINCE SHE ALREADY WASTED two hours of my life off of bullshit. wow. this blog is just being done as a stress reliever. My heart is pumping so fast because she is pissing me off. Who knew making a cake could be so difficult...




THIS IS ALL I WANTED>>>>>>>

Labels: Birthday cake

Song Listening too:Boyfriend number two

Well im at my girl A's house. She is leaving tomorrow to the USA... Im jealous. So i woke up at 9 so i could reach her house early ish before i had work.. Well at least i DID have work. SO firstly i have a new crush, but imma keep that on the d.l till i figure some shit out. That last man, yea were DONE. Tell me how after he begged for me not to leave, he didn't treat me any fucking different. SO i just stopped callin completely and yea... You know, the usual you do to cut some one off. I talked to him ONCE on the phone. So me and R prank called him because were wack, and R was crying and screaming saying no why... So B friend said in the background, maybe its the girl. And B said, naw i never called yet. WOW, he moved on fast... fuck. So did i though xD
ANYWAYS, so i think i just go fired from Champs. basically long story short this is what happened...


Imma Fool WIth the Snow, You Would Think Im Puttin v.v.s Jewels In The Coke says:
thanks... and i think i just got firedd
˚۰۪۫٠•JAHx²•۰۪۫٠˚ ˚۰۪۫٠•<«ї Đσηт Ĝĩvê  Ғцсқ Άвоϋт»>¡!¡!ÑØ«»Ħоё¡!¡!<«»>•۰۪۫٠˚ says:
how
Imma Fool WIth the Snow, You Would Think Im Puttin v.v.s Jewels In The Coke says:
cuz i missed my shift cuz i got confused wit the time and my manager cussed me off and said dont bother commin back for a couple of weeks after paydate...IM LIKE WHAT TA RASSSSSSS

ya so he hung up on me... Do i go to my shift tomorrow? -FML

Tonight= Notre Dame Girls chill ting... A and I dont know any girl there, well i know one, kinda... Im only going so i can keep A company. A is only going to see Andy... her "ting". looool And i dont adore him too much, but softer issue. I know next mans there as well.

Finishing Song: Photo shoot by Gucci Mane

Labels: Fired, FML, prank call, Relationship Ended

THEN I WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER LOVE YOU :) sorry


Song listening to: I wont tell by fat Joe and J.Holiday



What an awkward conversation. I went on a date with this guy in grade 9, cute black guy, but he wasnt my type. We have been friends ever since... I didnt know he still liked me, after so...so...long. He upgraded though. Even better looking and has more swagg, but styll not my type.



KeithSweet life change when u just look says:
ok
so u seeing someone
Go Hide And Seek Ill Tag A Bitch says:
as in dealing?
KeithSweet life change when u just look says:
yeah
Go Hide And Seek Ill Tag A Bitch says:
i was.. but ..long story. so as of now, i dont think so.
KeithSweet life change when u just look says:
ok
Go Hide And Seek Ill Tag A Bitch says:
yeee.lol
r u?
KeithSweet life change when u just look says:
no but i want u
Go Hide And Seek Ill Tag A Bitch says:
what... since when...

KeithSweet life change when u just look says:
since we first meat and u and went to the movies i want to start something with u but u said u dint want anything yet but everytime we talkt u had someone


Go Hide And Seek Ill Tag A Bitch says:
i always had some one cuz i would only talk to guys but i never dated them... i think ice dated three guys since i met you.. and one doesnt coutn cuz i neevr said yes to the guy... those two other guys i really liked... it takes a lot of time for me to develop feelings for some one.. a looong time... because i dont wanna hurt anyone so i kno for a fact i wont get bored, then i would date them
im out though.. gotta go to work... byeeee



We haven't talked since this conversation... like three days ago.. Times are rough LOL



Finishing song: No Games by Serani

Labels: msn

Song listening to: Say whats real by Drake

Its sad when some one sinks so low that on there birthday you want to take them out and they refuse. They dont refuse because they want you to save money. They don't refuse because they dislike you. They refuse because they have another suggestion. To pay his phone bill.

Today is your birthday K... I wanted to take you out. As did J... But you just ignore the fact we still care no matter how much you have dragged me in your fucked up issues; No matter how much you have ever done to abuse me mentally and physically; No matter what you have chosen over us for the past four and a half years. You use to be my life. I loved you, and now i pity you. You will always be a part of me because you are permanently on my neck.................
But i dont regret it. I regret being so blind and letting you get to this state. You say we will be back to where we were back in the day. But for that to occur, you would have to make effort, and you wont even pick me up down the street at 4 in morning because the bus wasn't comming, until i offer you money of course. I see what you truly want. That is a lie. I see what that devil inside of you wants, but i know you really dont want this. I realized that the first time you cried on my shoulder.

Im moving out... July first... We are done and i dont have the guts to tell you. Its your birthday and the candles are slowly melting as you zone out into your own life and disregard what you really need. All you do is feed that inner demond. But as you say, what do u have to live for, so then why would you change... Maybe for me... The old you would have. The old you would have straightened me out and never had the thought that you would be the childish person... Why?

Ending song: Lose yourself by Eminem

Labels: birthday, issues, phone bill

Song listening to: Pretty Willie - Four walls
Love is a difficult topic to define, especially since it can be confused with so many other emotions. Infatuation, blindness, physical attraction, fascination, and even just temporary craze for ones comfort. But betrayal is usually complimented by mistaken identity of love. There are many reasons why some one may get hurt in a relationship. Being immature, dating the wrong person, rushing into things too fast, reading the wrong message, being cheated on... All of these reasons stated have been shown in my life within the last month. Though not just dealing with my experiences. But i think this month has been the most love struck/broken month ive been through in a while.

Being immature: My friend, well more like an acquaintance, well actually my exes baby momma, recently broke up with K, my ex. He is giving up his responsibility of taking care fo his child, and is now stating that it isnt his kid and wants to recieve blood tests to make sure it is his child. I know you may feel this is not immature, but when you supposedly spent so much time with your kid, bought your child so many things, and so on, all of a sudden becasue you found a next "side ting", you just all of a sudden say i need an excuse to forget about WHATS REALLY IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE.

dating the wrong person: My friend, R, recently dated A... And she really liked him at first, but overtime she realized he was the wrong person. He was lazy, always made her come to his area when planing a get together date. PLUS he didnt treat her too well. I think there relationship was based on attraction. Basically she got bored, thus she dated the worng person. AS I SAID FROM THE BEGINNING!

Rushing into things too fast: my friend M, is falling for this guy , M, LOL ..there both M's. M&M. sorry anyways. They rushed into thigns. At first they were just playing around, being lovey dovey and shit, but hey havent evern started to date and they already have done 'everything' one could really do when your in a relaionship.So basically whats the point of being in a relationship if now, theres nothing that will change except for having a title. Basically, nothing to grow on

Reading the wrong message: Long story short, the guy i like, who likes me (i think...), gave the wrong message to some one else. So this next girl thought he liked her, but he says he doesnt. I dunno who is the wrong doer in this situation. LONG STORY. Way too much to get into without exposing everyone hard. Im not that much of a bitch, well at least not at the moment.

Being cheated on: Self explanitory, i got cheated on by K, with M.. his baby momma. Life goes on... I like some one else now:)

So in the end, i learned things from all there situations and from my past experiences... Not only that, but my dad gave me a useful tip, that seems so obvious, but it had never came o my mind.
He said " Melanie, your first wrong in this situation was dating him when he just broke up with some one. I am sorry to say, but that is almost like a rebound girl. because obviously if a guy (or girl) is going through difficulties with one another and they are bored of there lover, then thay will want something brand new. When they find something so amazing, so different, and some one they "think" they care about, they willl want you so much, but temporarily. Until they realize that they miss that person and you were just a replacement. IN THE END, always give a person at least six months after there break up so that you know definatly that they are through with there ex... TAKE MY DADS ADVICE> LOL

finishing song : silk - more

Labels: bored, brand new, cheat, love

hey melllll :D its rosa :) bye :D

I sent your girl a message, Ill see her when i can, she sent me one back,but i aint never read it, cuz pussy is only pussy , i get it when i need it....

Song listening too: A night off - Drake feat. lloyd
Current life mood: getting back on track, with some one new 'hopefully' by my side
overall morning rating- 7.5 Because of the sticky humidity

I decided to tell a story. I was on the phone with ym girl talking about how she thinks i might stay with this new guy. And obviously, me being so pessimistic, i replied " i doubt it, i get bored to easily. Feelings dont mean shit now, its my feelings in the long run." And she replied by agreeing that i am a player, WHICH IM NOT, i just get bored... hey, at least i dont fuckn cheat on people... anyways i told her how this one family basically like me.. yes i mean THE WHOLE FAMILY. now here goes the circle of love and infatuation...">more because it was too hard to pay attention to on the phone, i talk to much shit xD lol

Circle of love, hate, infatuation

1.
1. Dealt, basically dated, this guy who looks like Kanye West throughout elementary school. C
Why it failed : He never asked me out, i got sick of waiting

1. This boy, T, started to like me, dealt with him throughout grade 9
Why it failed : Kept getting bored

1. In grade ten, C started to like me again, but onceagain he lofted on your relationship again
Why it failed : LOFT

1. The same summer C&T's boy started to like me, but i dont catch feelings for a person quickly. Ask any of my friends... if i catch feelings quickly, that is a sign that i will get bored of that person... Thus i wasnt feeling D, but he took em to a Spanish festival and told his boys W WERE TOGETHER. IM LIKE WTF SINCE WHEN.. but for some dd reason i gave it a chance..
Why it failed : FAILED HORRIBLY, he was already talking about taking my virginity and how he loves me.. over like 5 days.. WOW MOSSSS

1. D's cousin, J, started to like me, but D got angry and told him to stop talking to me... Even though we didnt cuz he is a good Friend of mine, too this day (L)
Why it failed : Not my type

1. After i broke with D, WHO I WAS NEVER SUPPOSE TO DATE HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE, his friend R started to like me but he played me... so i guess he didnt really like me... even though i liked him a lot... but w.e
Why it failed : He is a player

1. D's brother KISSED ME, and im like NO! ur brother.. like WTF..
Why it failed : He was D's brother and he had a girl... why

1. D's brother, Ri.. not R, its Ri ( just so u can distinguish them), has this really close friend named L, and he started to like me and stood up for me when R talked shit about me en things like this. So i dated him, (THE ONLY PERSON I ACTUALLY GAVE CONSENT TO DATE AND IT WAS MY CHOICE)
Why it failed : He cheated on me.. and wanted me back a year later, pusssy

1. Recently i went to a jam with D and R... we re acquainted after this whole mix up happened
D's other cousin, Dom**** was trynna holaa (he is so fine, sorry),
Why it failed : i didnt because i wasnt trynna do this shit twice in a row. I hurt D enough

1. Same jam, R's cousin, tried to holla at me, M... And R started to like me, not in a player type way, surprisingly
Why it failed : his cousin was not too good looking... not to be shallow, cuz im really not, but i mean u have to be somewhat attracted right?

1. Like i said, R started to like me again..
Why it failed : His cousin M tried to holla and R got cheesed so we stopped talking. now mans in the bin (FREE UP) plus he still has my speakers : *kisses teeth

1. In the end... D talks to me once in a while, Ri still wants to chill and go to the movies en shit, R is in the bin, M got cheesed at em cuz i stopped talking to him for making R mad at me, L is just a lil bitch back to his crazy ass next white girl who put him in the bin twice already, Dom**** is in Montreal now, C still calls em everyday (ill always care for him ), J styll asks me out on dates and we go places cuz he si my boy (y), and T well we just say hi to each other now because he is WAAAAAAAAY too cocky now...


P.S- I didnt even mention every one of D's friend who tried to holla, they ment nothing, so thurr not worth my time... But ya, just ot justify myself, im sure this makes me look like a bitch. But D didnt tell people we were dating in the first place, i would never have hurt him, because im pretty sure i never would have dated him in the first place. Plus all HIS boys are the one that holla'd... the only one i went to was L.... Since R screwed me within a week, so thats soft... Well everything happpens for a reason. And this reason was worth blogging about !

Finishing song: turn my swagg on -Keri Hilson Version

Labels: boys, cheat, guys, hate circle, love circle, pussy, sexy black guys

Song listening to : Get right by lil scrappy feat. yo gotti
Current Life mood: cheesed and now i am moving out for sure. I put down the deposit on my new place, now i am not changing my mind. My dad crossed the line today...

WHO LET THESE HOES ON MY BLOG? i did, cuz i love the following girls im about to mention. Whether ive known them since grade one, or i just met them a year ago. They are my girls through thick right now. Here is a quick Bio on each one of them, because when you get to know my friends, your closer to getting to know me =D BUT FIRST HERE'S ME !
Nickname: Mela HopDat
Best thing about myself: I say it how it iz
Five Word Bio: WEIRD, funny, swagg, self-conscience, aggravated
Last thought i Had: i love tyga (L)







Sharifa

Nickname: Sharz or reefa
Best thing about her: SHE IS SO FUCKIN HILARIOUS and her laugh is just priceless. u need to hear it BHUAHAHHA
Five Word Bio: small, mi deng, funny, talkative, lovely
Last Topic Conversation Had: 1 in the morning -SHARIFA TELL ROSA TO GO ON MY BLOGG, I EXPOSED HER! you called me to tell me that.. YA! READ IT... hahahah omgg that is so funny rosa got exposed, bhuhahhah u made my day (L) I KNOW !







Shantanell
>>>
Nickname: Shanti
Best thing i Love about her: She loves my blackness OH SO MUCH
Five Word Bio: awesome, fun, hot gyal, retarded
Last Topic Conversation Had: My dad wont let me go out wit my 'ting' tonight because not allowed out on school nights, When did he become a parent?









Rosa

Nickname: Ttn
Best thing about her: SHE IS A PARTY ANIMAL LIKE ME AND we get along really well although we see each very often
Five Word Bio: selfish, rude, funny , partyer, smoker
Last thought i Had: I might meet you at Victoria Park station today.... nope never mind, CUZ MY DAD WONT LET ME OUT> FUCKKK



Ayssa
>>>
Nickname: Icicle (credits to killah and campisi)
Best thing i Love about her: She bonds with me very easily and we both are very open to one another when we talk
Five Word Bio: grabs attention, fun, soft, loser(L)
Last Topic Conversation Had: Should i go with a certain some one to a certain place... are you going with a certain some one to a certain place.? we should both go and coincidentally run into each other. LOL




Magda
<<< Nickname: Maggie
Best thing i Love about her: She is so over hyper that i always laugh when im with her
Five Word Bio: Too Nice, smart, funny, abnormal
Last Topic Conversation Had: MAGDA LOOK AT THE CAMERA STOP AVOIDING IT. WE WILL GET YOU ONE DAY !




Renee&Margaret - They come in a pair

Nicknames: dumb & dumber
Best thing i Love about them both: The are both there to listen to me with my problems and we all are so retarded, that we only understand one anothers jokes
Five Word Bio: challenged, pretty, hilarious, awkward, fun
Last Topic Conversation Had: MELA WHERE HAVE U BEEN, U NEVER COME TO SCHOOL? & I got chopped by two baby daddies this Saturday. DID U GIVE THEM UR NUMBER? no... GOOD, TAKE MY ADVICE, dont mess wit baby daddies, it doesnt WORK !

Thuy
<<< Nickname: twee
Best thing i Love about her: We only laugh at the stupidest thigns, were both so EXTRA and loud
Five Word Bio: loud, extra, retarded, fun, impossible
Last Topic Conversation Had: i was in your bed last night... THAT WAS YOU :O I THOUGHT IT WAS A BLACK GUY... nope it was my, thuy... LOL



Kim
>>>
Nickname: ...sloo? JOKES xD
Best thing i Love about her: She is so little, but so loud
Five Word Bio: bitch, queen, funny, disturbed slightly
Last Topic Conversation Had: Who has a Canada's wonderland season pass? I DO ! I DO!
Who has a season pass other then Melanie.. LOL



Sapna
<<<>High-class
Last Topic Conversation Had: Send me a picture that doesnt have editing and colours and swirlssss....



Well now you kno my girls, the ones that im here for, the ones that are here for me. So now you know a lil bit more of me !
Ending song listening too : 8 ball by N.W.A

pc byeeez

Labels: best friend, bitch, girls, love, N.W.A, smoker